Solitude of Silence
by petite etoile22
Summary: RoM tragedy.don't own spooks and the quotes are from James A. Baldwin


Everyone was mildly surprised when they saw Ros appear. No one actually thought she would turn up to the meal after her behaviour these past few months. Ros Meyers had always been a cold person, but the team had felt another wall of ice go up, a wall that she would always deny the existence of. Her relationship with Malcolm had suffered because of this and eventually they gave up trying. They still loved each other, that much was obvious and whenever anyone sat with them, they were aware of a hollow, lonely feeling in the atmosphere. But here she was trying to prove that she was not detached from the team, that the wall of ice did not exist.

"Welcome back Ruth" she said as she handed over a small silk box. Ruth pulled out the silver chain, on which hung an amber droplet.

"It's beautiful" she was about to hug Ros and then checked herself. Ros had shied away from any form of physical contact in the past year. Ruth remembered the time when Harry had shaken her hand at the end of a particularly successful operation, and how Ros had just stood there in shock. Ros offered her hand to a surprised Ruth who shook it gladly. The gesture was proof enough that something in Ros had changed and the team sat down to eat.

Ruth's eyes spent most of their time either fixed on Harry or Ros. She found warmth in Harry's eyes, warmth and protection. It was what she needed after years of so much insecurity. With Harry nothing mattered, the world could end and she would gladly accept extinction if it came within his fierce embrace. Ruth felt the opposite when it came to Ros. Whenever she looked into her eyes she saw a desolate wasteland. It was as if the real Ros had already departed and a hollow illusion was taking her place in the world. Ruth also noted that Rosalind had barely touched her food, and that the only fluids she had drunk were alcoholic yet she seemed more sober than the rest of them. Then it dawned on Ruth that she had never actually seen Ros eat, the only real time had been at the training two months ago. Ruth remembered it well; it had been situated in an old country house near Sussex. Neither of the two ladies had been pleased to find themselves roomed together, least of all Ros.

Ruth spent the whole time wondering about this displeasure and wished she hadn't been so curious when she found out the answer. It had been the last night of the retreat and the team had organized a small drinks do. Ros had gone out of politeness but it was clear to all that she didn't want to be there. The past six nights, Ruth had always found her asleep in her bed, regardless of the time. Ros was definitely out of her element. Eventually the night had drawn to a close and they all trudged, a little worse for wear, back to their rooms. On entering their own, there was an air of discomfort. It was the first time the two females had actually shared the space. Ros quickly got over this and went to the bathroom to change into her nightwear. Ruth sat on the edge of the bed and removed her shoes, her feet were killing her but the look she had gotten from Harry had been worth it. Ros stepped back into the room and tripped over said pair. Ruth gasped in shock, horrified at the sight. It was not the fall that had provoked such a reaction, but the skeletal form that was Ros Meyers. As Ruth helped her up, she was aware that her fingers grasped the circumference of the woman's arm with ease. It disturbed her to see Ros's ribcage in all its glory through the pyjama material. The movement of each individual rib bone as she inhaled and exhaled. If Ros had noticed her stares, she didn't show it. Ros noticed the broken shoe. "I'm sorry for the damage, I'll replace them on our return." Silence had descended on the hotel room and stifled all of Ruth's words. Ros was grateful for it; she thrived in the solitude of silence and was in constant search of it. Often, during an op she found herself praying that when the time came for her to die, there was no afterlife.

It was that sentiment Ruth saw in her eyes that night; she just didn't know its potency. The plates were removed from the table, the meal was over. Everyone gave another round of congratulations and said their goodbyes. Ros had kept her façade of happiness in place for the whole evening, and now she began to feel the cracks forming. She was an excellent spook, but even the best spooks have that ounce of humanity. A façade does not last forever. She graced the team with hugs and handshakes, she surprised them when she bestowed upon Malcolm a tender kiss on the cheek. "For old times sake" she whispered in an ethereal tone. By the time they had collected their coats, she was gone. Yet another talent of hers, disappearing without a trace.

When Ros arrived home, she didn't bother closing the door. After all, the security of a home only matters when there is someone to inhabit it. The house was immaculate. The floors were polished, the walls painted a brilliant white, the furniture arranged in an orderly fashion. However, there was not one personal possession on display. She had already taken the liberty of packing up her things. All her life contained in 20 cardboard boxes in a pile. On top of them sat a creased photograph. It was a picture of the last Xmas party, the night her and Malcolm had decided to make a go of things. That was a place that did not belong in the present, that moment was nostalgia. She poured the crushed tablets into her wine glass, she was about to add the last four to make it 100 when she was interrupted by a mewing at her feet, the pills went forgotten. "hey cat" she cooed and she downed the glass as she shooed it to its corner, "Ros has got to sleep, go eat your food"

Malcolm was just about to say goodbye when he noticed Ros's bag.

"she must've forgotten it in the rush" he mused.

"we'll drop it off" they offered

"I'll come too" something about the kiss unnerved him.

They got in the car and began the drive to her house. The roads were surprisingly quiet for the time of night. Malcolm felt as if time had slowed in order to prepare itself for some unprecedented event. The feeling increased as they approached Ros's flat and found her door ajar. Harry slowly opened it and led them in. the silence in the flat was deafening, and was only broken by the soft mews coming from the bedroom.

Ruth opened the door and time stood still at the arrival of the event. Malcolm heard a million voices telling him it was alright, he doubted that was true.

Ros smiled at Malcolm's arrival. He's never been late for the past two weeks. She watches through the window as he talks to her motionless body, wired up to various machines and tubes. He was there when she arrested the 4 times in one night, he was there when they pumped charcoal through her body for the 5th and final time to remove all the drugs. He was there and he hadn't left since. She had started to talk to him on the 3rd day, unsure of his reaction. It had been good, and they had enjoyed each other's company ever since. Malcolm noted the importance of the day when she entered.

"And now I am blessed with the presence of your spirit"

"Malcolm" she sighed as her cheeks tinted. "we need to talk"

"About why you did this to yourself?" there was no anger in his voice, only sadness.

"No, about where we go from here. I have to choose today. I don't want to leave you Malcolm. Not if I don't have to, not if you want me to stay"

"I do"

"Then tell me why. Tell me why I deserve to be with you. I'm not perfect, I'm cruel, I'm cold, and I'm nearly void of all emotion. You can see all that even though I try my best to hide it from the world"

"_Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.__"_

"_Life is tragic simply because the earth turns and the sun inexorably rises and sets, and one day, for each of us, the sun will go down for the last, last time."_

"I want to watch my sun set with you Rosalind."

"I'll stay," she whispered, tears rolling down her cheeks_   
_


End file.
